New Years Dreams…

Last night I had requested from my inner guide before sleeping that she show me a better way of understanding why I was so angry these past few days…Right before waking, I had three distinctly different dreams; yet I can’t recall for sure which happened first… Therefore, I will begin with the most logical sequence:

The First Dream

I was with my family again: parents, sister and children. My parents made all these promises to me such as a new car to keep, a home, and to be the mother again to both my children. (I saw both in this dream as young kids…) But then, as I was taking a walk, I suddenly found myself back at the old institution grounds; yet, I  was unaware that this is where I was until I went in to get something to eat.

I soon found myself in a cafeteria line full of females wearing the thin cheap blue uniforms we once had to wear. I realized my parents had lied; they had turned me back in to the institution and I saw them there attempting to eat as well and contact me. I was enraged and told them to stay away. I saw my old psychiatrist there from India as well.

That was my first dream.

To me, this dream is a clear reflection of my personality and my current life situation… You see, I have always held a very high regard for truth and honesty. I hardly ever told a lie to my parents (most generally out of fear and terror of the sever beating I’d receive if they ever caught me…) and yet regardless, this core value has stayed with me all my life.

Now, whether it be from the fact that I am a straight up Sagittarius, or what, I have been known to be blunt to the point of sticking my foot in my mouth and getting into trouble for it. So in this dream, I am promised all this lovely life from my parents; this is a genuine reflection of how they raised me. The were very protective and never wanted me to see the ugly negative aspects of life.

For example, my dad used to fill my head with all the potential men that would flock to me as a teenager when I suffered daily for over two years wearing braces and a head gear at night to have “beautiful teeth.” Now here I sit, only 44 years old, with not a single tooth in my head. (Oh the irony. lol…)

Yet the day I “woke-up” in the institution and realized I had killed my son, all those lovely little glimpses of “what do you want to be” as a young girl, came crashing down. The real truth laid right before my eyes just as the dream shows: my parents had lied. This here is the reality of the deep seeded anger I have held towards them since I got locked away…

Of course, I know there is no book on how to be the best parent in the world and I also know they simply wanted to protect me from all the possible evils out there. They honestly thought it the best to then raise me in a little fortress. I do forgive them and love them; yet, they are still very mean and verbally abusive to me for not having turned out to be like the princess they had envisioned.

The Second Dream

After eating we went out for smoke break to the yard that was no longer fenced in (it is in this reality). I had no cigarettes, so I walked away from all the others and went to a solitary large tree. A couple of guys followed me and I told them to leave me alone; they tried to warn me this part was off limits. I didn’t care and they left. Next thing I know, I am back on the ward being given medications and a shot…

I pass out. When I awake, I find myself in a cell with only three walls and some strange female sleeping next to me. Her foot was touching mine and it was rough. I told her to never touch me again. She responded: “But your foot is so soft!”

I stood up on my feet and told her to never touch me again. (I couldn’t see her face.) I then attempted to walk out of the room but as I got close to the exit, the walls narrowed and pressed on either side of my hips. I knew if I wanted out, I couldn’t walk straight out– I would have to turn sideways. I was immediately enraged at this again.

That was what I call the second dream.

This is another reflection of my life and current situation: my question of freedom. One aspect of my personality is that I absolutely can’t stand being told what to do. I like to be independent and make my own choices. Yet, as this dream shows, in order for me to walk out, I have to “turn” or in another word, CHANGE.

Now, as far as the past nearly twenty years of being locked away and now out on conditional release, there have been many positive changes about me that I will hands down give to the many therapeutic treatments from the institution (both psychological and medicinal). Yet here lately, I received a visit from the advocate general of the state department giving me a “pep” talk about how close I am to freedom again and how it seems “something always tend to happen…”

The man did not give me any specific details as to what those “somethings” have been over the past few years, but gave me hints as to how I can change my approach with the board and ask for my freedom. One of these was to shorten my letters and speeches. I happen to be very analytical and detail-oriented and here this man is saying that is a problem; yet, I know for a fact that the last woman who committed the same exact crime, did 5 or 6 years LESS time as an NGRI, and wrote a five page letter and got her freedom.

In other words, I think this man is blowing smoke up my ass to simply help himself look good as well as the department for the truth is I have a right to be free from excess treatment. I am beginning to see that this is indeed perhaps the truth in my case…

The Third Dream

I found myself on a large stage facing a huge choir. They were dressed in dark red robes and as I look to my right, I suddenly saw the director begin and the choir started to sing some old Christian gospel song. I felt nervous for I felt I had to sing and that I was a part of the choir; however, I didn’t know the words or had any music in front of me.

Then I look back up again and realize suddenly that I am facing the choir and I notice the orchestra is sitting right in front of them. I look back to the right and see a large crowd watching… I become apprehensive for I am thinking that somehow I got mixed directions and got to standing on the wrong side of the choir instead of being a part of the choir.

I then begin to feel a bit embarrassed yet I also start to analyze the situation at hand. I ask myself: “Can they see me? Am I invisible for some reason?”

I search for clues and soon see that no one seems to notice my presence on the stage. I then begin to relax. I look back up towards the choir and orchestra playing straight in front of me… I pause and allow myself the opportunity to embrace the music and enjoy this unique perspective I have been given…

I then wake up from my sleep.

To me, this is a very powerful dream in which I can see several interpretations the more I analyze it. Yet, I will share the very first interpretation that came to me after I awoke and the dreams slowly started to come back to me this morning…

I had watched a show last night by UFO-TV called “The Reality of Truth” and in that show came this unique perspective that basically it’s all good; if a person want to be mean and bad okay, because they are going to get theirs in the end… simply stay out of my sphere. To me this dream is a reflection of that concept within my life.

The choir, being dressed in blood red clothing, could represent all the hypocritical Christians like my dad. The initial fear that I couldn’t sing the songs is what I once felt when I was a part of that family; I never liked singing the songs back then. Never was in the choir either. Then my placement on stage is a large symbol of how I always have stood out from this group of people and the embarrassment is exactly how I used to feel.

Yet now, after a thorough analysis (many years later), I realize I am invisible to this crowd and that even though I am not a part of them, I can relax and enjoy their “music.” It’s like one of the sayings I’ve often heard, let’s see if I get it right: “Not my monkeys; not my circus.” (or something to that effect).

This dream could possibly also have a positive interpretation in light of my current status as an NGRI; yet that perspective will be saved for myself due to my own privacy concerns…

May the love and light surround you all this blessed New Years!!!

-Madcow52699

 

 

 

 

Dancing within…

At the end of every year, starting towards the holiday season, I have a very cyclic pattern of behavior that has not only been observed by myself, but by my mental health care professionals as well at my latest mental health facility (MHF) here in America. Typically, I am like the winter season in that my brain begins to “hibernate” like our Great Mother Earth here in Northern America. This hibernation period usually last about two to three months…

Last night, I signed up on my Amazon Prime account for a new channel. Much to my joy, as I was on a mission to find the name of a movie I had seen to start a new post last night, I discovered the channel called CuriosityStream. Normally, I’ve never looked into the different channels that Amazon.com provides due to the fact that what is advertised predominately are entertainment channels such as HBO, Showtime, etc. that I have absolutely no desire to dish out my precious time, mind, or money towards.

Yet, this one is described as: ” …science, history, tech and nature documentaries…” (curiositystream.com). I think I must have put like 25 shows from it on my watchlist last night!!! Thrilled, I lit a cigarette and picked a short documentary to absorb into my brain called “Unraveling the Creative Mind.” Finally, it summed up exactly what I haven’t been able to pinpoint about this time of year and what is happening to me. The show helped spark a new perspective as to why I behave the way I do, or at least added another piece of the puzzle to the overall big picture of the inner workings of my self.

Yet, holding true to the wise saying from ol’ Uncle Si from the Duck Dynasty show I used to watch often, in every good story, you have to build it up in the beginning, (or some quote he said like that in one of the early seasons)…please allow me the great pleasure to describe myself a bit more during this time of the year and the pattern of behavior observed from others and myself before I share my enlightening discovery…

One of the first signs of the season is an increase in overall depression. My mood begins to gradually switch and little red flags begin to pop up that even I notice; however, I have no motivation during this period to really do anything about. In my private therapy sessions, a change in my “normal” thinking patterns begin to change from positive to negative and instead of being the usual easy going optimistic individual that I am 75% of the year, I turn more pessimistic and begin something that I am going to start labeling as “dancing with the shadow.”

This change in my brain, the thinking and feeling parts, (which as I am well aware there is a predominate theory here in America that the thinking comes first prior to the feeling and that is the premise on which all cognitive behavior therapist base their approach), this change in turn spills over into some of my behavior. I begin to act all “abnormal” or “unusual” or as I’ve even heard, and will agree with this one, quite a bit “irrational.”

A primary example of this seen by myself and others is that I will tend to embrace my more addictive nature and over-indulge in more addictive negative behaviors that can and do impact the overall stress levels of my self which in turn has been associated with as a causative factor in generating overall symptoms of a mental illness like the one I am labeled with: schizophrenia. For example, my overall smoking will begin to increase and during the past good three years (perhaps four), I visit the casino more frequently and will over spend what I have allocated in my budget for what I referenced to as a “form of entertainment.”

I also am deeply aware of the reasons people cater to their addictions…generally to escape some pain that they don’t want to deal with at the present time. And for me, in the winter season, I have one very happy event in my life that I was later robbed of in the summertime when my psychosis hit: the birth of my son. He was born in December. The season that once brought me in my “former” life much happiness, excitement, hope and possibilities now appears to do just the opposite.

So during this dance with the shadow this year, I came to a very low, what I consider rock bottom point of recognition of my addictive side of my personality. Ever since I started keeping a bank account and have had reliable, cheap internet access (for the past two years or longer), I quit using my check register book. My reasons include:

1. It is a better way to manage one’s time – (I didn’t have to compute single items and document them).
2. It is more convenient – (I could easily check my computer or phone app and know my balance instead of my checkbook which I didn’t always carry with me).
3. It is overall less stressful – (I didn’t have to keep both a budget and daily inventory of monetary transactions).

In a way, this was a step in the positive direction of slowly easing away from my very highly analytical and detail-oriented self which in the past, prior to my starting of gambling would sometimes create too much stress. I’d become, during this dancing season, addicted to crunching numbers and then bemoaning and criticizing myself highly should I make even the slightest of errors. This resulted in much wasted time spent on judging my own self harshly which we know isn’t healthy.

Yet when my addiction found a new home at the local casino, this wound up becoming very problematic for me. Yes, I have pretty much before gambling, not been too good at keeping up a savings, unless I had a list of large purchases to make. Like during the first two years of my independent living in this apartment, I needed a new mattress, $350; new or refurbished computer equipment, about $400; and a new separate desk for my creative endeavors, $120. Then after this first couple of years setting up my home, I got introduced to a more active casino life by none other than a former worker at the mental health center I still go to.

The ironic thing about it is that I knew the behavioral pattern of people with chronic addictions. I spent years in the institution educating myself there through various group therapy, individual therapy and reading for my own thirst of knowledge to know the truth. Yet, what I didn’t know is that my friend was in the active throes of his addiction. I did not recognize the fact that he was extending his invitation to go there with him not just as some preamble towards friendship, but as something to clarify and justify his own addictions as “okay” or “not a problem” thus keeping himself in the denial stages…

It started as I would go and spend like just perhaps $10 of my own money. Then, he would give me his money to gamble with until one of us would start winning…before you know, during three hours, with just a little bit of my money, (that $10), we would go through the rushing rapid mood alterations that winning and losing over and over and over again stimulated and provided. Talk about your rush. It was something I had never experienced since my last roller coaster ride as a teenager. (And yes, I loved roller coasters, often throwing hands up in the air and screaming for sheer joy.)

Now, combine this trait with my love for a challenge and you can easily see the resulting characteristic in myself towards taking risks. To me risk is stimulating, not just on a highly physical level, but mental level as well…

Well, last year my dance with the shadow almost made me break…on two or three occasions during that season, I couldn’t make the full payment of a particular bill due to the fact that I owed money to the casino and it would automatically be withdrawn from my bank account on a certain date. If I didn’t have the funds, then all I was told was that it was treated as a bounced check. I knew I could not afford, nor did I want to pay, the costs of that happening; as a result, I wound up having to post-pone payments to the electric and gas companies.

This year, my dance almost broke me and shattered my own financial security. I had two checks bounce from the casino. I did some number crunching. After a good sweat, I had it figured out how to handle the dilemma; however, I made a mistake and didn’t do an adequate investigation into the fact of what will happen next. The last time this happened to me was at a bank approximately six years ago when I agreed to a free sample online and gave out my bank information. I didn’t read the fine print and I discovered they charged my bank for something later…yadda yadda….

So that being my only experience with dealing with something I couldn’t afford, I wasn’t aware that the casino would keep making regular attempts to the bank to collect its money and each and every time I didn’t have it, the bank tacked like a $25 fee for insufficient funds. I discovered this when the same two checks bounced again. After calling the bank and gathering the correct information I did another recalculation using the next month’s budget/spreadsheet.

That is when horror struck and true fear came right along with him. I realized I would not have enough money to cover my basic bills for the following month. (That didn’t include food for I had food stamps.) I also knew that from the previous year’s close encounter with the edge, I could not post-pone bills again.

I could not ask my mental health facility for any advice or help. My pride would not allow me to make such a confession to anyone there for it would serve only as grounds for them to temporarily put me back into the boarding home. I simply could not afford to do that. I didn’t want to lose my cat and leave her without me.

The guilt of having failed as a mother to my son is bad enough. If I had to leave my cat and even temporarily lose my apartment until my financial situation improved, I would have perceived myself as an unfit mother or a utter failure to simply be able to responsibly care for someone I love.

The thought of having to face those feelings all over again is without description. I calculated exactly how much I needed to cover costs and when I needed the money before the next attempt from the casino came in again. There is only one person in the world that I could turn to: my Dad.

I had to make the call. With a heavy heart and tears flowing, I explained my situation. I told him I am aware I have a problem and that I intend to ban myself from the casino. The experience of hitting rock bottom was enough to jolt myself into taking this step that I saw as a final last step and resort. I was now ready to do just that. The awareness had began last year; yet the motivation to change and do anything drastic had not occurred until then.

He agreed to loan me the money on the grounds that I pay him back each month and that he gets a copy of the paper that I sign at the casino banning myself from it. I intend to give him that copy as one of his Christmas gifts from me…

After this period of dancing with the shadow, during which the more rarely seen aspects of my personality come out, just as the earth keeps on spinning round that gorgeous sun, rays of light burst through and new growth is seen emerging from the ground. Every time, after this period of hibernation seems to be some great epiphany and insightful awareness of something about my self.

This in turn stimulates and spawns the ushering in of the “new year” during which any mood changes/swings are very temporary and short. They typically last about three to five days, kind of like miniature cycles of the larger period where I am “dancing with the shadow.”

To be continued…